Scream to be heard

 Life is what you make of it! Sadly it has taken me a very long time to realise (you should appreciate what's in front of you, if anything else positive were to happen then that would be a bonus)  After taking time out from my blog I have realised I should be writing about my truth, life how I see it, the negatives and the positives. 

I have spent so long dwelling on the past, blaming myself for every little thing that has happened around me, drowning in my guilt. It is hard to take a step back and realise that "it's okay not to be okay" 

Anxiety is silent, it attacks when it wants to without any warning, working a long shift at work to suddenly freeze unable to catch my breath. So many glares from everyone around me not understanding what is going on because without knowing they have no idea what I'm going through. It is a battle I have with myself every single day. I have this feeling of unease, worrying about everything, the fear of not being able to control my feeling or emotions. It fluctuates at times, sometimes mild, however, most of the time is severe. It took me a while to speak to my GP regarding my concerns for my mental health because I did feel a sense of worry in case I was wasting their time or if what was recorded on my medical notes could have ruined my future choices. When the day arrived and I spoke to my GP, to be honest, it went better than I expected after expressing my emotions and how I was feeling, she was so supportive there was no judgement and she also made me feel at ease. 

I were prescribed medication to help control my anxiety, yes they help but I believe that the best medicine when suffering from any mental health condition is YOURSELF! The effort I have put in with regards to my mental well-being has been time-consuming to start with I did not know where to look to find answers with how to feel myself again?  Why don't I feel happy? What is wrong with me? Yes, I know my GP told me I am suffering from anxiety, but why? 

I have come to realise that anxiety is my new best friend and enemy, it will stay with me and I needed to find ways to deal with my emotions, thoughts and to release the build-up of anxiety that is causing a lot of strain on me when the episodes ensue. 

No 1- breathe taking in long breaths while also counting in my head. 

2- always confessing to myself, partner when I'm anxious 

3-challenge my thoughts, to have a clear understanding of why I'm thinking certain things and turn them into a positive outlook. 

4-release my anxiety, this does not control me so I should be standing up and taking my life back.

5-repeat to myself "I'm calm" this does work. 

6-think everything through, speak out loud to my loved ones around me and explain how I'm feeling right now.

7-I always listen to calming music and sounds, my favourite is either rain or firewood crackling in the background. 

8- Change my focus, instead of directing my time on my anxiety attack, I tend to start cleaning or playing a game with my children. Anything to take my mind off this.

Over time this routine has helped me immensely in regards to how to control my anxiety attacks and panic attacks. Sometimes it may not help and just sitting with my partner and knowing I'm in my safe place will help control my nerves. 

Becoming frustrated when I can't just go outside of my home for walks as I get this horrible feeling of people looking at me or laughing at me, it's a horrendous feeling as though I don't even control my life anymore. Making plans then cancelling on friends and family because my emotions get the better of me. I spend hours crying, I'm surprised I don't have a waterfall in my front room LOL! 

Sometimes I feel as though I'm on my own and no one else is there, it's nice to know that after all this time many people suffer and they have been suffering in silence just like me. It would be great to hear from others who are suffering from Anxiety and your coping mechanisms you use to help you. 

Today is one of my bad days, have worried all day, I get this feeling of something bad is going to happen, that's is the attack begins. The feeling as though I cannot breathe, the sweaty palms. My forehead begins to shine from sweating. My hands begin to shake and the palpitations that have happened this evening made things worse. I needed to calm myself down. I began my routine, I'm currently sat writing my thoughts here this evening while listening to the sounds of firewood and visualizing sitting beside a campfire roasting marshmallows, listening to my boys play the acoustic guitar while the sunsets. See this sounds like heaven right?  Even though it's a story I made up in my head I was directing my thoughts on to this story and not my attack. I have been a little emotional and evaluating my existence and knowing my children love me and believe I'm a good Mumma bear who protects her cubs and my partner who tells me every single day that he adores me and I make him happy, it's little quotes like this from these three amazing individuals in my life that help soothes the ongoing battles I have daily.  

I'm very positive about the prospect of a happy life and engage in activities to protect my mental health also. learning to live and adjust to taking medication, living with anxiety and knowing that in the end, I beat the attacks, I come out stronger right!?

It is not easy in any way however I SCREAMED and for this, I was heard

To you all, if you suffer don't be silent, reach out because you deserve to be heard and I want to listen. 

With love, Sharleigh xx